I saw this quote on Facebook the other day. I’ve been kicking it around and bugging clients to answer it, so this morning, feeling way out of myself while trying to fit too many odd jobs into a smooth mix – I’m asking myself. I feel most like myself when . . .
For starters I do NOT feel like myself when I’m trying to calve a schedule. OK well, that word just came out but it feels right. It feels like I am birthing something that is way too big and taking a big chunk out of me when I’m running late!
Even when I’m not running late it’s hard to get a handle on. Hard to find the me in the racing mind – or any mind. I meditate everyday – thank goodness! – so I get glimpses of me whether I am expressly looking or not. People often tell me I look so calm or grounded and I must just be like that! Well gosh, absolutely not! I need all the meditating and time in meditation that I have, that I do. Otherwise the particulate matter of me is spinning around. It’s work! And it works – had to put a plug in for the practice, it has worked wonders in my life. I feel pretty much like myself in this photo with Gordie. We’re on the beach. I’m just hanging out with her. It always helps me to be with a dog like Gordie or a cat like Pachi because I like my reflection in their energy.
Tag Archives: appreciation
Removing Obstacles
In the ongoing Ongoing – I feel like making it a noun and having a meaning slot for each circumstance, in this case; the selling of the house – of showing the house which sounds so dry and unweighty, we have evolved a few tricks. One of them is cleaning for four or five hours. How do you make a house with 12 animals and 2 to 4 humans look unlived in? Yep, we clean! The other more unsettling thing is the “show” itself. There we are. Our habits, choices, interests exposed. Should we take down the Obama signs, is the photo of us with the kids or the dogs “too much?” When we adopted Chandrika and Bimala we had to eviscerate the house of “Us.” It would have foiled everything. I know it’s not the same now but I have flashbacks.
One of the funny things we do now in order for the doors in the house to be open – we have them all closed against a list of cat and dog possibilities that would and have made life miserable – is to load two cars with the dogs and take a drive. Inside, we have two cats who hide in a closet, we close that door. Another one can go out. One in my studio. Two in Paula’s with a sign on the door to re-close. We figure one closed door they can handle. Two more get put in individual carriers in what we consider a “one brief look” room upstairs.
When we come back they all run around freaked to see if everything is the same – whatever that is in this household! Then two of them open a few doors with their renewed energy and tip a few Matryoshka Dolls, dig the tree, dig into the rolls of toilet paper, rearrange the cushions, pee on some (why not) and generally get comfortable reminding us why we like our own spaces.
The Ganesha at the door and the ones inside our house are for removing obstacles. I think of them as inspiring me everyday to be the best I can be, to notice all the souls in my path and to laugh. Can’t have better help for that than 4 dogs and 7 cats!
This period of knowing we are moving but staying here is a lovely challenge. We love it here in this house. We want to move for all kinds of good reasons. Our shadow selves (above) and all our other selves are in sync with this. We get reminded everyday to focus on what is here now, on what we love and have faith the right things will be put in front of us and we will be awake to see them!
Paula taking my photo. Seeing each other.
My Snow Angel
The drifts around our house can be weird. Thanks to the garden and the dogs we have two dog gates, four exit/enter the house doors and paths to match. The wind during this storm has gone around making bare spots as well as wonderful shapes many feet tall. My snow angel Paula was making the complicated patterns outside my studio into navigable paths. Thank you, Paula!!!
We all go back and forth to my studio a lot these days. Eli is there. He is the sweetest cat and loving, warm and playful – with a couple of our cats and dogs. But in the aggregate they are too much for him. I go into my studio, open the door, he hops out, follows me to the house, plays around then after a bit he goes to the door and asks for some more alone time. He is a fun, playful, sweet boy. A wonderful presence and we hope to find him a home less complex than ours.
My Liam
The reason I wanted to live with a Jack Russell was, in my mind, they have what I lack as well as my best qualities. I am Terrier in my doggy persistence, my willfulness. What I lack is a sense of the rightness, the very correctness of aggravation. I can be soooo reasonable, gaggingly so. Patience is a virtue only when it has an endpoint. With no stop too much patience is enabling or just not engaged. What I love about Liam is he shows me what aggravation looks like. It is Liam throwing himself at Jules’ throat while I’m trying to get them ready for a walk. It is Liam grabbing the leash in his mouth and running out the door with it as I am trying to put it on Guinnie. It is Liam hovering by the cat food next to my sink as I’m brushing my teeth, creeping closer and closer with his neck pulled in close, so that in the moment of my bending over the sink all he has to do is silently stretch his neck into the dish. By the time – seconds – I am in a position to look, the dish is clean.
The other side of us, Liam and me, is that he matches most particularly my dogged lovingness, my steadfast, always there curl up. I like having a mate that way. He is my True Companion. Always ready, a little pushy about it in case I want to be reassured, his heart is wide open. Mine too.
Everybody Loves Liam
For one thing he has the most expressions of any dog in my experience! Abashed, happy, loving, worried, nervous, hopeful, playful, the aggressor, sneaky, willing, ready, pick me! With the exception of getting his nails trimmed or going to the vet, there isn’t anything he isn’t ready for. He knows he’s special and he doesn’t lord it over – the others trust him to tell them when I’m doing anything related to a walk or feeding. Even though sometimes I try to trick them, he never does. He always shares what he sees and knows. All the dogs love him too.
I had been wanting a Jack Russell for years – I’m not afraid of Difficult! Paula and our vet – we were on the Vineyard – both said they would divorce me if I attracted a Jack into my life. So whenever I saw one – on the ferry, in an ad, on a leash – I craned my neck, listened intently, stared lovingly. On the ferry once when I wasn’t along, Paula saw this man who said he had just lost his Jack of 17 years. Paula asked how he felt and was so gratified and happy to tell me he said he felt great relief. She thought that would do it.
We were in the book store – Bunch of Grapes, great bookstore on the Vineyard or off – she came walking toward me with a small book, she was triumphant. Showing me the page where it said ” A Jack Russell can NEVER be around cats. They will ALWAYS harm them,” she thought she’d found the ultimate foil for Jacks in our lives. Cats in our household come first, no questions. I don’t argue that cats come first, but I didn’t believe the book’s version.
So one Sunday morning in winter both Paula and I wake up with the fear that a horse we had just sold was being mistreated. He is a beautiful Fresian who turned out to be way too wide for Paula’s failing hips. We had practically given him away in order to make sure he would have a good home! We ate hurridly – and we love Sunday brunch – bundled the girls into the car – they love to sleep on Sundays – and sped over to the barn. We parked the car and steeled ourselves for anything. Well, almost.
What we saw was our beloved horse Goliath under two long heating lights getting groomed and his mane washed. We practically pile into each other, so forcefully forward is our aim and he raises his nose, says, “check out the third stall behind you on the left.”
We wheel around, look over the side of the stall to find three baby Jack Russells. Chandrika pours into the stall, picks one up and says, “this is my baby sister who died in the orphanage!” He is the only male and handsome as can be. On the way home we name him Liam for he has come to the Island from Ireland by way of Declan, the trainer at the stable who, in visiting his mother once a year, has brought the best of the breed to Martha’s Vineyard.
He is my True Companion and we are all still together and still friends with the Vineyard vet! Liam is the great communicator – he does perhaps bark a bit much – and friend to all.
B. Ground cont.
I didn’t grow up with anything much in mind except escape. I used to watch the long driveway to my parents’ house while playing solitaire. I once had a palm reading by Tennesee Williams’ cousin Stella Adams who looked at my hand and said something like,”oh lordy, you were boring when you were young! Your life has gotten more interesting and will continue to be so.” She could not have been more right!
Endless games of solitaire, reading, day dreaming, running up and down the river banks left me open to longing and crushes and believing in people who were interested in what I had or could get them. People fantasized about me, I think – if they noticed me. And I focussed on them. Any life but mine.
I got good at drawing them in, people. Men, and later women. I found a power in me and no clue what to do with it. My father pushed and pushed at me when he was sober. Conform. Give in. Do what I say. I don’t think he knew any better either. He didn’t know how to handle freedom of mind, of action. He didn’t know what to do with love.
To be naked is not necessarily
To be exposed
To love without Self
Also not.
Abstraction, distraction
not, not
showing up is some of it, Being there might be the rest
might, I said
nothing is naked that’s clothed in shame
facets of distortion, the holograms of the soul,
don’t make anything very real
even as they might be pretty, or true, interesting or defining
they are not real
I think my soul looks like this
pink and delicate, embarrassing
in its softness, its lack of purpose
its ability to just be.
I want to be mindlessly exposed
to express what I don’t know but what I feel
I want the wash of little lies and big truths to wallow in my essence
my wading pool. no drowning. no waterfalls. just light
and shadows giving way to endless presence
a life turned on, lifting up, waiting, letting go, cycling
an excess of the spirit, of moment, of Is.
Celebrating Life
Irma Rombauer – Joy Of Cooking – described a brownie recipe, “than which there are no others.” So was Pachi. Pachiquelitzli came to Paula in Monterrey, Mexico during a choreographic stay. She came out from between buildings as Paula was going to get on a bus to go to the studio. Her eyes were shut from infection and she was so young that Paula had to massage her belly to get her to pee and poop. She had a loud enough voice and life force to rise above the morning’s commuter noise and Paula’s determination to catch a bus in a large, foreign city.
And so it went for the most of seventeen years. Determination, power in the Now, guidance minute by minute in letting go – the singing bowl, the wedding present vase, the special doll and on – in embracing the new, the here – each new kitten, each comrade, each death duly noted, accommodated, praised.
Paula named her from the native language she emerged and came to us. Pachequilitzli means Guide, and she has lived her name. Showing us the spirit in the name, the heart. She has been a tiny cat. Looking like a kitten, never weighing more than six pounds, she ruled our household, all of us without exception. Yesterday, at her physical end she weighed three pounds. And just a little over two months ago a tomcat was beating up our Niki, who Pachi raised. I opened the door to yell and Pachi raced outside to the middle of the driveway where she stood on her hind feet and moved very fast forward boxing and yowelling to chase the Tom away. He retreated and Niki came inside. I lept out to get Pachi and endured some of the rath the Tom was to receive.
There is no way to endure her loss, only celebrating her life and remembering her teachings will do. She purred and curled up with me to the end and now the heavens ring with her purr and we have the legacy her strength forever.
Desert Places
Snow falling and night falling fast, oh, fast
In a field I looked into going past,
And the ground almost covered smooth in snow,
But a few weeds and stubble showing last.
The woods around it have it – it is theirs.
All animals are smothered in their lairs.
I am too absent-spirited to count;
The loneliness includes me unawares.
And lonely as it is, that loneliness
Will be more lonely ere it will be less -
A blanker whiteness of benighted snow
WIth no expression, nothing to express.
They cannot scare me with their empty spaces
Between stars – on stars where no human race is.
I have it in me so much nearer home
To scare myself with my own desert places.
Robert Frost
under my boot
through my lens
and in my eye
the mountain of my field
Finding The Right Balance During The Holidays
The holidays bring a lot of different challenges to people for many different reasons. Financially, emotionally or mentally it can be a draining period of time. It does not have to be though. Finding the right balance can make your holiday more enjoyable.
Some people find dividing their time to be the most difficult part. Almost everyone wants to spend time with his or her family, but too much time can be overwhelming. You might feel swallowed up. We’ve all seen the classic scenes of families getting together enjoying their company, then 15 minutes later the conversation has turned into argument, uncomfortable moments and turmoil. I was speaking with someone recently who mentioned to me that they have a tough time enjoying the holidays strictly for this reason.
“I don’t enjoy spending a whole day with my family because it inevitably turns into a finger pointing, shouting match. I love them, and I want to spend Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year’s around them, but not at the cost of feeling distain and annoyance with certain members of my family.” Unfortunately, he mentioned how he’s stuck in a tough situation. His family recognizes he’s not around as much and takes it as a sign of distain and separation. “I don’t want to alienate myself from my family, but finding the right amount of balance can be difficult.”
Overcoming these habits of mind and finding balance within yourself for the holidays can be a challenge. Give yourself a break. Be gentle with yourself. Get really curious. Who are these people? What do you love/like about them. How do you reflect each other? Don’t let yourself get caught up in the moment of a reaction.
Present yourself with realistic expectations for the holidays. If you have a specific vision of what the holidays are supposed to be like, don’t let that dictate what happens. Chances are they may not live up to the idealistic vision you have of what will happen. Don’t worry about holiday spirit and take the holidays as they come. At the same time, don’t have too little expectations. Some people go into the holidays with expectations so low that it makes them more depressed. Limiting your expectations, both good and bad, will make them more enjoyable.
The holidays in the end are meant to be pleasant, entertaining and a time to spend with people you care about. Finding a balance in your time and expectations can help make the days, weeks and month go by smoothly and enjoyably.
Opportunity
In talking with clients the issue of discomfort with a current situation is likely to come up. After all, I am called to make a difference in their lives. As humans we often get tied up and attracted/attached to what isn’t going right. We can be sure of what’s wrong, it’s obvious, isn’t it? So I’m often called to be the coxswain to a new life.
I, of course, can’t change direction but I give strategies and practices to clear a new path enforcing and re-enforcing the goals and vision of each person. In this lofty capacity the most important and really about the only action I take is to listen. Awareness is often what we leave behind while we are in an attitude of disappointment, discouragement or hopelessness.
The mark I can make is fueled by attention. When you describe a reaction, a feeling, a situation that brings discomfort or dis-ease, my tuning in can make a difference. Accountability is the pen that can write the new path and compassion is its guiding light.
So often we let our minds be the spokesperson for tyranny. Where it came from matters less than turning away from the voices of discomfort and sorrow to allow what is. What is here around us is enough. When we can look with compassion at what disturbs us, we can see more clearly where change can happen. It’s not that things don’t change for the worse, they can, but dropping them without understanding, without vision can often lead to a repetition of the same circumstance.
Sometimes when we see green bitter berries, we forget they might be blueberries in a little while – given some sun and the right conditions. Not everything has a sweet ending and we don’t have to accept everything as it is. We can use our vision, compassion and intention to change ourselves and see where we really want to be.





















