Three Horses Grazing

This painting spans my life. Starting when I was seven or eight I would read to horses under the big oak tree in the pasture with the pond my father made. At the bottom my cousin and I set up a jump with tree limbs and I don’t remember what. He taught me to jump by cupping his hand for my foot as I mounted and whacking the horse’s butt in front of the jump. It was the first time I remember blacking out.

In my childhood there were always horses. Gift horses, bought horses, small or large in various assortments of accomplishments or attributes. Most were without known talent in the horse resume world but they all had what I wanted: a different viewpoint and no where much to go.

I rode them bareback, with saddles and bridles or halters. They were out all the time, I don’t remember cleaning their hooves or putting saddle pads on. Henry Havilick the farrier came twice a year. He introduced me to Mounds bars and recited “Under The Spreading Chestnut Tree The Village Smithy Stands.” We had a big tree – there were many above two and three hundred years old – under which he would stand.

And now, what about now?

When Paula saw it in my studio as I was finishing it she said, “oh that looks like us – you and Bimala and Chandrika with your heads down and me giving directions to you!” I hadn’t seen exactly that but I am always pleased when a painting sparks a story. I love to feel my hands making the shapes, choosing the colors, in this case I used mostly sponges to paint. I have a love/hate thing with brushes. They often leave me feeling removed from the work of painting. I like the feel in my hands of both the creative idea and the laying of the paint.

This painting is on canvas mounted and framed, it is about 45″ x 38″ it looks lovely on the wall. Might it look good on yours?

 

How Can I Help?

Often I run around trying to think of what to do, who to help, where to go and I forget to take a breath, look around and see what’s there.

What is here is often what I need to do. Learning from Niki here in the photo, I could, for instance, take a walk, hop, run around. Good ideas. Yesterday and today my energy hasn’t been what I’m used to and I found myself doing jumping jacks in the bathroom before I was really awake. Don’t know about that for advice and definitely not great for me in front of a mirror – but it got me a little farther along than I might have been.

Back to Niki. I have yet to see him do jacks or see a horse in a pasture doing calisthenics – not that some couldn’t benefit – but the point is closer to home. Can I help you if I’m not being helped? Right – we all know that, particularly when someone reminds us.

I spend a lot of time looking for connection. Looking for spirit, to be happy and useful and all those things endlessly written about  – nothing wrong with that. But the Deal is that Niki is already tuned in. He’s just Here. Now. He’s in the big Present.

Present is what I can give you. How can I help you?

Fences Make Good Neighbors

Notice the fence. Do you know where they would go if it wasn’t there? I don’t either.

it’s funny thinking about THAT fence. When we put it up – as soon as we moved in – the town got all twisted about it. Made us move it. Newspaper articles were written about it. Invariably about the wrong section of the fence, not the one the town wanted moved. That was because,looking at the fence, it wasn’t really obvious why it should be moved.We received letters telling us of other fences in town that were closer to the road than ours. A friend asked his friend who was the town’s road foreman at the time, had it been his (our friend’s) house, would he have made him move it? No.

So boundaries can be contentious and ambiguous. But the quote of the title usually means that if you know who you are, tell people it isn’t a good good time to call or whatever your boundary situation is then you become reliable and trustworthy.

When my sister – who can talk a lot – used to call my mother, my mother would complain afterward that she had missed an appointment or something and blamed my sister for talking. That’s nuts, right?

I love my fence, all of it, and if you call I’ll tell you if it’s a good time and if you ask that’s great. Then we’ll be easy and not trying to get tangled in what we don’t know.

And let there be room to run free!

Careful of the How


How do we engage ourselves, know who we are, what we want to do, be, when we grow up or any other time? When I was young I thought of my life as an out-of-body experience. In the world of Meyers-Briggs (did you know they’re WOMEN? – I didn’t until recently – I assumed that only men could make those formulas) I am an INFP and very into the “F.” So all that hiding in plain sight I did in my birth family was mirrored – think Narcissus – by my roots of shame. I may have looked like a tree – or a stump according to my parents – but all I see now is how powerful the law of attraction is. If gravity holds us in our seats, the law of attraction gets us what we ask for. I was the kid my parents asked for, maybe you were too.
It takes years of courage to know who we are and what to do about it. Often others know who we are way before we do but are at a loss for what to do about it. In 1990 I was deep into photographic processes. Hours in the darkroom mixing paper, chemicals and film finally produced what I found to be an excitingly deep and surprising outcome.

I became enamored of the process, got some proficiency and got a body of work together which I took around to photography galleries. One said,”It’s too beautiful, I’ll never sell it.” Another, “It’s too processed.” Women loved it. Men didn’t.

So it’s like a Buddhist story I tell about a farmer whose son is everything to him. The son goes to war, the son dies, the farmer is nothing. The son comes back, the farmer has everything. Ilusions. The farmer has an illusion. When I discovered the process I thought I was so cool, I thought, “this is who I am.” No one was doing anything like it. Great. Then when it didn’t shake the world, I felt like a fool, a shit, not an artist, not worthy.
It’s taken years just to love it again. Without the need for it to go anywhere. – Oh, I should say that it did win a spot at the Corcoran Gallery in the Smithsonian. And I thought that was so cool. I thought it would go on from there. I thought, I thought. But it didn’t and I still love the work and I still love the process and I think I’m cool.

Happy Easter!

And Happy Birthday to me and anyone who has a birthday today or one that ever has or ever will fall on Easter!

My Easter Poem

Easter wishes from my heart – the birth of a

Dance Idea Painting – or anything like a

boy girl fawn kit kitten hatchling cria calf pup cub cockerell nymph whelp foal colt filly larva chick shoat farrow piglet fry fingerling tadpole billy gosling joey duckling owlet peachick lamb spiderling poult signet

Is a Birth

and if there is a birth, there is a re-birth from life and from death

There are two sides, passage is brief as growth is strong

We are Mites and Miracles

We are song, We are Sung, We Sing

My Heart Sings, Soars this Easter Day we are all a Song

We share a day, our breaths entwined – every one

Happy Easter

Forgotten, Unforgiven

 

Those Little White Things

Im in pain, you helped me
I want a buzz, you helped me
You brought your friends with you
And they helped me get through
But that was at first and now i dont want you

I think of you always and the rush you made me feel
It was more about that when the pain wasnt real
But now you’ve latched on and its just me and you
You make me feel normal and keep me happy too
But thats not enough when i think of what you’ve put me through

Iv tried to go without you and i felt like i was dying
I didnt realise it was you and how hard you were trying
And now your inside me and youve latched on so tightly
I have to visit you early, daily and nightly
Why to you hurt me? And push me? And fight me?

I know i should leave you but im scared of what you might do
I left you for a day and i barely pulled through
The crying and screaming and psychosamatic sickness
I never thought you were capable of doing this
Why do you do this? WHY DO YOU DO THIS?

I know il be free from you some day soon
But for now il still visit you up in my room
Your ruining my life and you dont give a damn
Your name is Tramadol 100 milligram

Dean Ingham

I went on a site called poemhunter to see what was there. I saw this poem right away and was the first to view it. The poet was born on May 1st 1990. I am awestruck by the clarity of his statement, the rhythm of simplicity and wholeness that is at the heart of his message. I wonder what I would think if I saw him passing by, wanting to date my daughter (one of whom is his age), taught him – what would I be thinking? Would I ask him if he had any poetry to show me?

It’s something to think about. Isn’t it?

 

Valentine’s Day


To you all with love and the willingness to create an internal safe space for each one of us – no exceptions!

This was written by Rev. Safire Rose, an instructor at Agape University.

“She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go. She let go of the fear. She let go of the judgments. She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head. She let go of the committee of indecision within her. She let go of all the ‘right’ reasons. Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.

She didn’t ask anyone for advice . She didn’t read a book on how to let go. She didn’t search the scriptures. She just let go. She let go of all the memories that held her back. She let go of all the anxiety that kept her from moving forward. She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.

She didn’t promise to let go. She didn’t journal about it. She didn’t write the projected date in her Day-Timer. She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper. She didn’t check the weather report or read her daily horoscope. She just let go.

She didn’t analyze whether she should let go. She didn’t call her friends to discuss the matter. She didn’t do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment. She didn’t call the prayer line. She didn’t utter one word. She just let go.

No one was around when it happened. There was no applause or congratulations. No one thanked her or praised her. No one noticed a thing. Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go. There was no effort. There was no struggle. It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad. It was what it was, and it is just that.

In the space of letting go, she let it all be. A small smile came over her face. A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forevermore.”

~~ Reverend Safire Rose

Be A Safe Place


“The very purpose of spirituality is self-discipline. Rather than criticizing others, we should evaluate and criticize ourselves. Ask yourself, what am I doing about my anger, my attachment, my pride, my jealousy? These are the things we should check in our day to day lives.”
I saw this posted yesterday by the Dalai Lama on Facebook. It encompasses all life as I know it and it reminded me of the advice a friend got when she asked for help with her new husband and his children.

She had been suffering watching what she considered bad and confusing parenting that as she saw it was leading to behavior issues with children she now found herself living with. She didn’t want to put a charge in her new married relationship and when she asked a friend, who also happens to be a phenomenal therapist, she got the answer, “Be a safe place for the kids.”

What a good idea! It kept her out of her new husband’s and his ex’s faces and it allowed her some autonomy with new and fairly adult housemates. She also, on her own, decided she would not participate in actions she thought eroded the children’s taking responsibility for their actions.

Instead of getting enmeshed in the situation and adding to what was already confused, she added clarity and kept herself a safe place both for the kids and her husband. She did not tell him what she thought – a marvel of self-restraint. She didn’t tell him what she “saw” or describe or ascribe anything to anybody.

Her self-discipline kept her safe for everyone to go to – they wouldn’t be shamed or abetted, she didn’t take sides. Her role-modeling allowed anyone who could to learn and anyone who wasn’t ready to wait – safely.

A simple (ha!) act of non-engagement can be our strongest stand. Taking our self in hand can be the most powerful step we choose. Vietnamese Vipassana master Thich Nhat Hahn asks us to “let peace begin with me.” He advises to take a breath when the phone rings, the door opens, any entrance into our physical space or our emotional mind, take a moment of breath connection before acting. We will be more ourself, and that is all we’re here to do.

My Mother’s Ashes

I just came across an ashtray I made in school at Christmastime for my mother. I remember the making of it so well. The shape of it, the thing of it was all for her. She was an aloof, beautiful, untouchable woman. She had Admirers, she had furs and massages and ointments and so many occasions for her display. She read far into the night and smoked.

My gift to her was a small heart-shaped ashtray with a rose in the center. On the back it is signed, “PAM 1952” the art teacher would have had us do that. I remember giving it to her with some trepidation. Would she like it? Would she put it down without noticing? Would I find it in a drawer years later?

But those are my adult thoughts. At the time I just wanted her to like it and love me. Notice me, smile at me. That’s the part I don’t remember now. Did she smile? I don’t know. But she kept it by her bedside until she died in 1993. Her cigarette ashes are part of it now – oh yes, I have it now. I put it in a drawer, and found it when looking for something else. I think it’s time for the love to come out. I placed it with other endowed objects where it has a life of inclusion. Something I am just beginning to live with myself.