Category Archives: blog

The Mutt of Life

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The other day I got a certificate in the mail. I had completed another course, had another few letters after my name if I chose to put them there. I don’t choose. My pedigree is extensive with gets and begats and doesn’t begin to express who I am or how I got here.
It’s not that the cum laude isn’t important, but the laurels pale in relation to the ground they grew in and on. It’s my experience and what I do with it that ribbons me.

We are all a mixture of genetic and experiential inputs and impulses. Every thought dictates our next action, every action dictates our results. If I let my certificate, whatever it says, dictate how I feel about myself I might as well hide behind the pedigree and be done with it.
The walk of my life needs a path and the path needs dirt and rocks. I mustn’t forget that. The days of exasperation spent in pursuit of my highest goals are the soles of my feet and the strength in my heart.
“…once you fully apprehend the vacuity of a life without struggle you are equipped with the basic means of salvation.” Tennessee Williams, “The Catastrophe of Success.”
When I look at the pulsing path of my life I don’t feel the triumphs so much as the friends and the songs. The sometimes riotous music of my peers and the eras I’ve experienced.
Part of the air I’ve breathed has been the expression of those around me. Virtual and actual. I remember how good it felt to add Bucky Fuller as one of my mentors though I never knew him or met him. Ditto John Cage.
It was a revelation to be free of my immediate influences and enter the world of possibility.

Valentine’s Day

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To you all with love and the willingness to create an internal safe space for each one of us – no exceptions!

This was written by Rev. Safire Rose, an instructor at Agape University.

“She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go. She let go of the fear. She let go of the judgments. She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head. She let go of the committee of indecision within her. She let go of all the ‘right’ reasons. Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.

She didn’t ask anyone for advice . She didn’t read a book on how to let go. She didn’t search the scriptures. She just let go. She let go of all the memories that held her back. She let go of all the anxiety that kept her from moving forward. She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.

She didn’t promise to let go. She didn’t journal about it. She didn’t write the projected date in her Day-Timer. She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper. She didn’t check the weather report or read her daily horoscope. She just let go.

She didn’t analyze whether she should let go. She didn’t call her friends to discuss the matter. She didn’t do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment. She didn’t call the prayer line. She didn’t utter one word. She just let go.

No one was around when it happened. There was no applause or congratulations. No one thanked her or praised her. No one noticed a thing. Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go. There was no effort. There was no struggle. It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad. It was what it was, and it is just that.

In the space of letting go, she let it all be. A small smile came over her face. A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forevermore.”

~~ Reverend Safire Rose

Hic Sunt Dracones (Here Be Dragons)

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Looking at old maps of the “flat” world that once upon a time permeated the minds of our forebears – ok, a lot longer ago than we might call “forebears”- but you get my point that it was long ago, but how far away?

The maps are beautifully drawn, illustrated with dragons in the seas at the edges of the earth. We think it’s funny now that people once thought of the earth as flat. Or the earth at the center of the galaxy.

Actually I think it’s quite the opposite. It’s a wonder that we ever got another idea – I’m not going to say “got it right” because I don’t know that we have it “right.” We live so fully in the separate universes of our minds, we have our stories and our beliefs, which take up the bulk of our human consciousness.

To make matters even more dicey, we get many of these patterns before we truly feel our separation from our surroundings. Yesterday I was in my studio getting ready for a show. I’m hesitant to put some pieces in. I’m afraid to ask for comments or opinions because I don’t want to hear bad things and I don’t want to put people in a position of making it all right for me.

So doesn’t that sound like a lot of fuss? My stories are roiling around like the seas at the edges of the earth, dragons fiercely teething on the crusts of the edges of my – my what, my self-consciousness.

Bah humbug. Butting up against my insecurities is like grabbing barbed wire or climbing a wall and finding that glass has been embedded at the top. I can always say oh what the… and then put them where they won’t be seen or put them in the show. It feels like a “big decision” but really who cares?

Be A Safe Place

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“The very purpose of spirituality is self-discipline. Rather than criticizing others, we should evaluate and criticize ourselves. Ask yourself, what am I doing about my anger, my attachment, my pride, my jealousy? These are the things we should check in our day to day lives.”
I saw this posted yesterday by the Dalai Lama on Facebook. It encompasses all life as I know it and it reminded me of the advice a friend got when she asked for help with her new husband and his children.

She had been suffering watching what she considered bad and confusing parenting that as she saw it was leading to behavior issues with children she now found herself living with. She didn’t want to put a charge in her new married relationship and when she asked a friend, who also happens to be a phenomenal therapist, she got the answer, “Be a safe place for the kids.”

What a good idea! It kept her out of her new husband’s and his ex’s faces and it allowed her some autonomy with new and fairly adult housemates. She also, on her own, decided she would not participate in actions she thought eroded the children’s taking responsibility for their actions.

Instead of getting enmeshed in the situation and adding to what was already confused, she added clarity and kept herself a safe place both for the kids and her husband. She did not tell him what she thought – a marvel of self-restraint. She didn’t tell him what she “saw” or describe or ascribe anything to anybody.

Her self-discipline kept her safe for everyone to go to – they wouldn’t be shamed or abetted, she didn’t take sides. Her role-modeling allowed anyone who could to learn and anyone who wasn’t ready to wait – safely.

A simple (ha!) act of non-engagement can be our strongest stand. Taking our self in hand can be the most powerful step we choose. Vietnamese Vipassana master Thich Nhat Hahn asks us to “let peace begin with me.” He advises to take a breath when the phone rings, the door opens, any entrance into our physical space or our emotional mind, take a moment of breath connection before acting. We will be more ourself, and that is all we’re here to do.

Random Sample

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In talking with friends this month of January I notice something’s different. For many of my friends it is important not to be in the position they were in last January.

This is said assertively, without the usual list of resolutions. They are resolute. They will not… then comes the good news – what they will do.

This is good news because when I include myself in this, we all have enough programs, seminars and how-to books. In fact when one of my friends asked another if she had been to a certain seminar and could she be loaned the materials, the one who attended said, “Yes, I’ll dig them out.”

We all have enough knowledge and tips stuffed in our drawers, how do we connect our heart/mind to this pile? How can we make sense of what’s in front of us, behind us, in deep closets?

For me, I wanted to “do” something, that’s why I bought all those books, took the courses, listened scribbling notes in large rooms and strange locations. I want to shift and grow and keep growing. I nosh on help like chips, I don’t feel full so I take more.

Now I’m hearing from those I’m in touch with that we’re in Oz and we all have what we need, we just need a little help to incorporate what we know.

Dorothy: “Now which way do we go?”
Scarecrow: “Pardon me, this is a very nice way>”
Dorothy: “Who said that?”
Scarecrow, pointing the other way: “It’s pleasant down that way, too.”
Dorothy: “That’s funny, wasn’t he pointing the other way?”
Scarecrow, pointing both ways: Of course, some people do go both ways.”

“Wherever you go, there you are.” Jon Kabat-Zinn

Let’s all have a good journey.

Believe IN Yourself

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Why did I capitalize the IN? Because it’s not always a good idea to believe yourself. To believe what you are telling yourself is often to listen to the voice of someone not necessarily on your side who wants to get you to do something they want you to do.

Believing IN yourself can be hard work. It means getting to know yourself. The old mantra on the Apollo Temple at Delphi – Know Thyself. Easier said than done. And the most important work you can do to live a life free from stress and longing.

In your mind be equal to others and you will find yourself less judgmental and more likely to give yourself the extra something you were going to give away to someone else – like your time or your effort. Being equal will let you be more compassionate, more giving, you’ll have more of everything you need.

“If you judge people, you have no time to love them.” Mother Teresa

By including yourself in the “people,” you will be taking the step toward belief that will carry you to your dreams. Be yourself, no one can do it the way you can.

Someone To Watch Over Me

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There is something elemental in our need to be seen. We’re hard-wired for it. We need it, we want it and we give it back. My dog Cho and I stare at each other. A nod across the room tells us we’re connected. A smile on his lips leaves a smile on mine. He counts the smiles back and forth as I do.

It’s not about anthropomorphizing so much as that we are both predators and it’s what we do. We’re hard-wired. Last night the moon was getting full and it was bright enough to wake me. Cho was up too. The thing about being human was that I happened to have my iPhone near me and, wanting to know more about the moon, I looked in the APP store for information about the moon.

So now I have this cool and beautiful moon on my phone. It tells me how far, how big, how much illumination, moonrise and moonset, and compass information that I do not understand. It also tells me random facts – three at a time. Of course I want more.

What Cho knows about the moon he won’t say. I think what he knows is actually not insignificant and he is happy to share space with me – here space and there space. We curled up in the bright light and told stories until we fell asleep.

When I was very young I was lucky to have someone who let me wake her up to go look at the moon. She would hold me up to the window in the bathroom where I could see the moon shining over the Missouri River. It was as beautiful a sight as any there is and my appreciation hasn’t waned since I first saw it.

The connection with the moon is older than I can imagine, it’s close and far – enough to make my head spin. Man in the moon, green cheese, gold, silver – it doesn’t matter. Both Cho and I know that the moon is there, it just is. And that’s enough.

My Mother’s Ashes

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I just came across an ashtray I made in school at Christmastime for my mother. I remember the making of it so well. The shape of it, the thing of it was all for her. She was an aloof, beautiful, untouchable woman. She had Admirers, she had furs and massages and ointments and so many occasions for her display. She read far into the night and smoked.

My gift to her was a small heart-shaped ashtray with a rose in the center. On the back it is signed, “PAM 1952” the art teacher would have had us do that. I remember giving it to her with some trepidation. Would she like it? Would she put it down without noticing? Would I find it in a drawer years later?

But those are my adult thoughts. At the time I just wanted her to like it and love me. Notice me, smile at me. That’s the part I don’t remember now. Did she smile? I don’t know. But she kept it by her bedside until she died in 1993. Her cigarette ashes are part of it now – oh yes, I have it now. I put it in a drawer, and found it when looking for something else. I think it’s time for the love to come out. I placed it with other endowed objects where it has a life of inclusion. Something I am just beginning to live with myself.

The Concord Art Association Regrets

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I just re-found this sestina online that I wrote many years ago when I was rejected twice by the Concord Art Association. I lived in Concord, MA at the time and very much wanted to fit in. Most of my friends were in Cambridge, Boston, Somerville, and J.P. (as we like to call Jamaica Plain.)

I still love Concord, I loved living there, but I was there because I thought it was a good place to raise my kids – it was, they loved it. But I was a misfit. An introverted zany artistic lesbian didn’t really have a place in a town of coupled heterosexuals.

So I trekked into the city from the ‘burbs regularly and separated myself from my neighbors. But I was really showing the deep divide in my own self. I could look outside and see whatever I see, it’s there if I think it is. When I went to Concord I was replaying what was comfortable about my past. I really wasn’t ready for my future.

Being outwardly identified suited me for many years and Concord allowed me the space to change as much as I needed to when I could handle it. It offered me all the complexity and simplicity I could handle.

So, even though this poem sounds like the gripe it is, it is also a paean to a place that gave me everything I needed to be me.

The Concord Art Association Regrets

Your entry was not accepted. We regret
it wasn’t (enough for us), a work of love.
We liked many of the colors on the whole
but the mass was just something unrelated
to the rest of our show. We hope your work
will have a bright future in another place.

We remember last year you tried to place
another photograph and it was also with regret
we turned you down. Though for that particular work
we found nothing about it (no one could) to love.
It was obscure and a little upsetting in relation
to the rest of our show which we look on as a whole.

Now you may think us ungenerous. On the whole
you are probably right, but this is our place
and we can do what we want whether you relate
to it or not. However we don’t want you to regret
your association with us. We want you to love
us, send us money, but please, no more work.

You see right now we need money to work
on the building we’re in. There’s a hole
in the roof and one wall needs all the love
and attention it can get. Really the place
needs so much, which all costs. I regret
to remind you we need more space for related

works. We’re trying to expand and relate
to lots of different kinds of work
so different people won’t regret
their visit with us but will see the whole
beauty and tranquillity of the place
and come with us, a journey of love

where people of all races, colors, and creeds love
to look and bask and of course bring relations,
friends, and lovers. All are welcome to our place
here where all the world’s magnificent work
can be shown in its entirety, the whole
place filled – with your exception, we regret.

We know you’ll love the whole
work we’re doing for this place.
We can’t relate enough our regret.

(Copyright © 1983-2011 by Pam White.)